Love, Pain, and Relationships

Isn't that what most pop songs are about? We can all relate, and of course last week was St Valentines day, so there is more personal focus on the state of our relationships with others. But for this little piece, I want you to think about your relationship with yourself.


This is always to do with a deep fear of rejection, not feeling good enough, over reacting to things your partner says, shutting off, closing down intense feelings, shutting down communication, feeling separate, disconnected. Anxiety and sabotaging behaviours making all these fears worse, giving them life. What we focus on will show up, positive or negative.


To feel loved,

To be listened to,

To be understood,

To matter,

To feel supported,

To have someone to share our ideas, thoughts, opinions, experiences, our humour,

To be ourselves, authentically,

To be free to be wrong sometimes...

To have someone to do all these unconditionally loving things to..., to have meaning in someone else' life.

Can you think of some other things to add?


I had a recent client come to me, full of anxiety about her relationship, always afraid he might not love her enough to stay. She had a history of partners leaving or being unfaithful. She never had felt good enough since her father was often away, and when he was home, was emotionally unavailable, closed off. So what kind of men did she attract? You guessed it, guys not fully committed, not emotionally available, or too willing to quit and leave. She felt she had to try so hard, to be everything to everyone. It was exhausting, physically and emotionally. She was overwhelmed, suffering from high blood pressure, and other issues, as well as using the age old coping mechanism of eating sweet stuff, or drinking all the wine in the house.

When we are trying so hard to please everyone, and manage everything, we have no time to stop and listen to our inner self. There is no peace.

During the session with her, we uncovered her belief that she didn't deserve love, or peace. And she was trying to meet her emotional needs through other people, rather than from within herself, forming co-dependent relationships that are unbalanced and unhealthy. I reminded her that as an adult we are not dependent on others for our emotional needs as a child is, but have the coping skills to meet all our own needs. The issue is making time to love yourself enough to meet those needs. Once you reach this level of self love, self acceptance, without condition, you can be true to yourself which is far more attractive and healthy than trying to earn love, to be indispensable, or to be needy. People then enjoy your company for who you are, and you attract people with a healthy acceptance of themselves too.

This client understood where her fears came from, but still needed to make much needed changes in her life, and make time just for herself. I needed to help her see that she needs to make tangible changes in the way she is running her life to help her mind accept she wants to change. Change can be scary as the mind loves what is familiar - it is easier to stay the same even though in the long run it is hurting you. So I suggested she made very small achievable changes each day so that she had a sense of achievement and success to build on. I added visualizations to her hypnotherapy recording to make the changes become familiar to her mind more so they are more acceptable.


If our relationship with our parents was damaged, not great in some way, we form beliefs about ourselves and how the world works, from a child's perspective. Our subconscious mind carries these beliefs into adulthood and finds ways of proving that they are true, setting up the likelihood of anxiety, lack of self confidence, or neediness in our adult relationships.

In my work, by understanding the feelings that created the belief and looping thoughts, we can change it. Sometimes the client's circumstances make it hard for them to make physical "real world" changes in their life, so the old belief seems perpetuated. By making very small changes, that are possible, such as taking just 5 minutes out of the day to meditate, or get outside, and being encouraged to visualize how their life could be, they feel more empowered to change, to drop the old belief and embrace the more positive one.

So just give yourself permission to take a few minutes each day just for yourself. Make that time meaningful and loving. Let me know what changes you can see in your life.

Have a wonderful week, and catch up with me on a Friday Live at 2 on Facebook...

If you are struggling, reach out to me in the usual ways. I am here to support you xx

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