Changes, and one word I strongly dislike.
This has been a long time coming. Let’s give you some background…
I left boarding school to go to Art College. I was a grade A student at drawing, painting, woodcarving and understood the basic western history of art, from pre-renaissance through to cubism and beyond. We had been set some pre-class homework. It was about observing different light and colours at different times of day. I worked hard and produced a piece full of little squares with different shades of the sky and a roofline. I felt my piece was ok.
However, the fine art tutor did not. In front of the whole class, he said I had not followed the instructions, that it should have been different, and it was no good.
I was devastated. I had already a story of not being good enough in other areas of my life, but this was ‘my thing’. How could this have happened? And I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, just like when the English teacher at my first boarding school destroyed my love of English Literature… by making me feel inadequate, not good enough.
And so it began, my own slow demise of artistic creativity. I compared myself to others, I wondered and questioned if anyone would like what I was making. I thought that no one would find my work interesting. It just wasn’t as good as…. (any successful artist ever). Funnily whenever I see amateur art shows, I also notice how some work is truly awful, that I could do better, So why don’t I? I formed a belief and it really did make my reality. I never ever sold a painting. In fact I never got as far as offering paintings for sale! I would give them to my parents as presents. (Aren’t parents the best! They always put them up in some corner. One is over the stairs! )
What is this all about? I loved painting and drawing as a little girl. But I stopped. Ended up as a nurse and then other things - just never quite good enough in my eyes.
Now I have had some help with this. I actually have had an epiphany. Did Michelangelo worry if his painting wasn’t good enough? No way! He didn’t have time for that kind of concern… he had a vision and had to get it onto the walls. Did anyone actually say I wasn’t good enough? No, just that I hadn’t done something right. Did this mean everything I would then do was wrong? No, just needed to pay attention, or ask for clarification.
How did the epiphany come about? It wasn’t all at once. I got back into painting last year, but just produced about 6 pieces, as if testing myself… Then suddenly just got it. I got the ‘bug’ to create. I was inspired by others in a group and stopped worrying about the end result. I got some sort of flow, only interrupted by the daily necessary life tasks that often seem to take over. When the flow stops, the inner chatter saw opportunities to sabotage me again. But again, I had some help - something I used to struggle asking for. The help wasn’t about my creativity, it was about promoting myself in my business. But it was exactly the same voices and beliefs that were interfearing. (misspelled on purpose).
I discovered I had been allowing those voices to control me all my life. Holding me back from really being myself. From being present, accepting myself as good enough, perfectly flawed human.
What is holding you back? Would you like encouragement, help with digging up the crud, and leaving it behind?
Come over to my group in Facebook called Resolve - transforming you for life https://www.facebook.com/groups/467355963673379/ for inspiration, community fun, the odd challenge, me chatting live, a workshop or two… whatever helps you move forward.
And that word? Procrastination. Do you subscribe to that club? I can help you leave.