I was so overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing...
It's time I wrote to you again! I have been busy focusing on painting and enjoying half term holidays with my children. For some reason they have two weeks off! I am currently recovering from the enormous amount of den building that goes on in the living room preventing anyone from actually relaxing in there! The sofas are back together now and the covers washed. All food is now banned from the room as I discovered various apple cores and other nasties tucked away in corners evolving into different life forms...
As you may know if you have been following me for any length of time, I have a story to tell, and though it is pretty average as far as stories go, I hope that my issues inspire you to see that things can change. So I was worried when I first shared this as in my head I started thinking maybe I haven't changed enough! But life is a journey and we are all on different stages of it on our own unique paths. A while ago I was so overwhelmed by all the things I thought I should be doing….
We work so hard, trying to achieve something, perhaps more money, better relationships, being the best parent, meeting your kids needs, friends needs, creating a happy clean lovely home, being the best at what you do, being a good neighbour, being a good friend to everyone, and the list goes on…At some point we get sick. We pick up the bugs the children have, or we develop migraines, feel exhausted, get back pain, and start looking at the future, when perhaps we don’t have to do the school run anymore, or we feel more loved by friends and family, or we have a wonderful loving romantic relationship, and don’t feel we have to chase these things anymore.
I had a wake up call, myself some months back now. I was feeling ill, catching a cold or cough from one of my children. I was feeling even more frustrated than ever as I was trying to build my therapy business, and had lists longer than my arms of things I thought I should be doing. I always have tended to make my life way too complicated. My understanding about physical issues being a sign that emotional issues aren’t being dealt with properly made me look at that. This was the second time my chest had been affected with infection. It was very painful when I coughed. The physical manifestation had two linked meanings for me. Overwhelm and suppressed emotions.
So I had an RTT session to quickly dig up the subconscious beliefs that were leading me to overwhelm. What came up was fascinating for me. I went back to the time when I separated from my husband, and had to move out of army quarters. There was a lady helping me get rehoused through applying to the council, and she was offering support as a victim of domestic abuse. My circumstances were horrible. I had no money, 3 children under 7, and expecting my 4th. I had no support from friends and family who were too far away. The lady had brought us a food bank parcel. My feelings were of deep shame, horror and shock.
But this didn’t explain enough. We looked at another area, all to do with the same issue, and my mind took me back to when I first moved in with a boyfriend in my 20s. This was a significant event as I gave up freedom for commitment. With my life as it is now, I was grieving for that sense of freedom that I lost then. But this wasn’t the whole thing either.
We looked at another event about the same issue. I went back to my school years, when I first started boarding school, and didn’t feel I fitted in. I felt very alone - taking on the belief that I always had to do everything alone. And then the words popped into my head, of my mother reading my school report the words “Could do better.” This phrase had haunted me back then. I remember being utterly indignant that I had done my best, but the phrase was repeated more than once in my school reports. It had remained in my subconscious. I had let those words in.
All my life I have believed I could do better and repeated the cycle of doing my best and not quite making the grade - whatever that was. Linking all this together has made sense to me. I can see how I have been constantly doing things to make our lives better, to be a better mum, better therapist, better at being fit, healthy, creative, etc etc… But I don’t need to do all that stuff. Whenever people have asked me how I am, or what I have been up to, I have responded by saying how busy I have been. But that is changing. I don’t have to ‘do’ self care, and you might find me sitting around, playing with paints, or just chilling.I know that I am enough on a new level.
I am rediscovering my freedom that I always had. I never actually lost it, but had put myself in a cage of limiting beliefs!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org now you are ready for change. Don’t procrastinate on it any longer!
If you are interested in purchasing my paintings, let me know as I am getting a little cluttered here! You can find more about my art on facebook at